ok so story time #3 was a bit long so let me just kinda sum it up.The main point was about Anthony because that was a very significant person in my life so I’ll just talk about him so you understand what actually happened.so pretty much we met October seventh and we just kinda clicked so we started texting everyday.during this time he made me promise I wouldn’t hurt myself or kill myself and I made him promise the same.so as me and him got closer and closer we stopped calling each other by our names and would only call eachother “bestfriend” so we were like really tight.Then after that we started cuddling a lot and get even closer and we called each other “cuddle buddies” so yeah a lot of people noticed something was up.So we didn’t notice like at all and we thought everything was friendly and is cuddling was nothing and everybody was crazy Cus we were just friends.then eventually we admited we liked eachother and things went really fast and that same week we began dating.Things were great soon we became serious about eachother and we lost our virginities to each other. I didn’t know how to feel but he seemed not to think to much of it so i just kinda tried to act the same.Then things went back to normal and we just acted like a regular couple and only told one person what we did.So me and him were very close we’d been through a lot together and had invested a lot in out relationship so u could kinda see how attached I was to him Cus I loved him a lot like he was the first person I ever truly loved that way so it was really important to me.then I get a call from our friend Nick saying Anthony said he can’t do this anymore and he wants to be single yeah he had his friend dump me instead of him doing it that was just extra pain.sl yeah he left and all in one I lost my bestfriend and my boyfriend and I no longer had friends or a person to understand me or to talk to it was all just gone and I at this point can’t trust boys or men I just find it hard to do.so yeah that’s how that happened.
Ok so now you kinda know most of why I have depression and anxiety and everything so now let’s talk about the people in my life recently who have now made me at the worst I’ve ever been and I’ll talk about the past people in a later story time blog.Ok so this year started of pretty good I had my bestfriend Taylor with me and my little friend group of Brandon,RJ Brown and Josh we were all friends we hung out everyday and on October 7th I met three new people named Anthony,CJ,Nick and Smily.Homecoming was just around the corner and me and Taylor wanted to go so she decided that I need a date and at the time I figured it’s best if I not go so she pulled me over and Nick introduces himself really fast and shows me Anthony and CJ now instantly me and Anthony kinda look at eachother and I thought he was kinda cute but no biggy so Nick says pick one to be your date to hoco and I kindly said I’m not going can I leave now and I walked away and went to hang out with my friends.Later that day after school id decided to stay after school and hang out.Me and Taylor get together and walk to the store with Anthony and his brother,Brandon another Anthony(I liked him at the time)and Smily who I had just met after school.So we hang out for a while and me and Anthony Instantly clicked although him and Taylor had dated for three days and he still was crazy for her and it was noticeable me and him got along really well.You might thing that’s not strange but here’s why it is strange I don’t like new people I like to stay in my group and keep myself away from anything new so I don’t get hurt so for me and Antony to get along so well so fast was really strange. So we go each other’s snap chat and we talked everyday after that soon we completely stopped calling each other by our names and we would call each other best friend.At this time I started hanging out with Anthony and his friends so me and Cj got super close not as close as me and Anthony but we were close and me and nick got along pretty well to.Soon Me and Cj and Anthony would skype everyday it was great we all had fun then people started saying me and Anthony liked eachother which at the time I hadn’t liked him.So I got mad and people got really suspicious of is Cus we then started ditching together with me him and Cj in my photography class Cus I would sneak them in during class and we would hang out in this maze that had no lights and lead to the dark room.In this maze was a ledge that we’d climb on there wasn’t much space up there so me and Anthony would lay with eachother and cuddle while Cj sat on the other end of the ledge.This happen literally everyday and me and Anthony got even closer and we started calling eachother cuddle buddies.The problem here was Cj started to like me and didn’t like how close me and Anthony were Cus he could see that there was something there that we didn’t notice yet. So soon I had noticed I liked Anthony and we told eachother and began dating. Now here’s problem number two Cj still liked me and Cj is Anthony’s bestfreind but Smily also liked me and Smily is kinda like a brother to Anthony so they all told eachother they liked me and I didn’t know that all three of them liked me I thought it was just Cj and Smily.So that’s a problem Cus Cj got jealous and so did Smily now Smily stopped hanging out with us and Cj wants to know every detail of the relationship and nick just didn’t really care he just thought it was cool Cus he knew all along we would date. So Cj stopped giving me and Anthony alone time so there was no time to really spend time together without nick or Cj.By this time I was super attached to Anthony Cus id never let a boy in like this I was always scared to trust a boy with my secrets and my heart so this was new to me.At this point I’m like so attached that me and Anthony both tried to kill ourselves Cus the other tried so if he did I did and if I did he did.Yeah so we couldn’t live without eachother.So we decide we need alone time and we want to spend time together so we ditch a class and hang out and we kissed and did everything a cute couple would do then we skipped another class to be together a while longer so we stayed in the maze.During lunch we actually ended up having sex and we both lost our virgintys to each other. So nick and Cj notice at lunch me and Anthony both aren’t there with them and that’s strange Cus they knew we were both at school so Cj gets mad and wants to know what happened but we didn’t wanna say.Now eventually we got in a huge argument with Cj and it got bad enough that I fought Cj for telling Anthony to kill himself. So eventually we tell Cj what we did to shut him up and he gets mad.Now me and Anthony are closer than ever me and Cj are like bestfriends to and things were fine after the fight. one night I get a call from nick saying that Anthony can’t do this anymore and he wants to be single so he broke up with me using his friend.I break down Cus I had just lost my boyfriend and my bestfriend all in one like that’s the first guy I trusted and I ever really said I loved.So I tried to kill myself and on the way to the hospital he texts me and and just says “hey” as if everything is ok so I said I couldn’t talk at the moment because I was going to the hospital for trying to overdose.That was the last time we ever spoke he blocked me on snapchat and began to hate me for a reasons that I don’t know nor understand.So I try to kill myself a few more times and I did a two day stay my second trip to the hospital and then after that I went to the hospital one more time. So I’m kinda losing it cutting and doing everything I know Anthony didn’t like me doing but I was devastated so i just did it.eventually I got over it and now me and him hate each other me and Cj aren’t that close anymore we are just kinda distant friends and nick hates Anthony for what he didn and me and nick are now extremely close.So yeah you can probably see how that got me deeper into my depression because after we broke up i lost all my friends including Taylor and Brandon. So yeah that’s that story…
Ok so now that you know a small bit about me and how my depression started I’m gonna talk about being bullied and how that added in to my depression. So I started getting bullied after I got transferred to my second school. Kids would say I was dirty for being molested and it was my fault or that I was different for some reason that I didn’t understand. Then at my next school I thought things would change I was also wrong about that things got worse I wasn’t just bullied about my past I was bullied about how I looked. I was a little chubby because I hadn’t grown into my body but all the other girls seemed to be skinnier than me and a lot prettier and apparently I’m not the only one that noticed so did every kid in school and I was called fat ugly and a lot of other creative names they came up with for me. After I turned ten my family lost our house and I lived in multiple different motels you can only imagine what kids said to me about that so I was bullied mentally scared and homeless I think you can see where this is going. By the time middle school started even the least popular kid in school was ore popular than me. But… I did make three friends and I also got one of my friends from second grade back. I got use to the bulling eventually. So they got more creative and turned the mental abuse into physical abuse and threw rocks at me ever day. Then to make matters worse two of my only friends who were freshman at the time got murdered when I was in eight grade. Yeah I got picked on for that to kids are fucking brutal and cant just let a girl be even after her friends die. I got bullied all through high school but that’s fine I’m use to it now I’m a junior. I made a few more friends but they all moved away so I’m kinda friendless at school. Even teachers bullied me. This all lead up to me having full on depression, insecurity, anxiety and ptsd or at lest that’s all the shit my councilor says I have. So yeah that’s my bullying story.
ok so the first story I want to talk about is when I was in kindergarten when I was molested and how that kinda kick started my depression. So I was in kindergarten I started when I was four and my brothers had a friend I’m not going to say his name for privacy purposes but will call him jess. So one day my brother took me to his friend jess’s house and I had asked to use the bathroom. He took me to the bathroom and then he walked in and shut the door I was slightly confused as to why he went in but since I was so little I dint think to much of it. He then proceeded to pull my pants down for me and touched me he said it was just a game and I shouldn’t tell anyone so not understanding what he was doing I didn’t say anything. He continues to do this at school till my brother found out because I asked if they played the “game” to and he said its not a game and not to let him do that.my brother then fought the boy and we were both expelled and sent to a different school. I got sent to this new school in the middle of my first grade year and I was picked on for being the new kid. Not long after Jess was sent to my new school where he proceeded to molest me I was scared of him and so since I feared being hurt I didn’t say anything by this time I was about 5 and a half or 6.my brother again found out when he seen me crying one night because I felt bad and like it was my fault my brother approached him the next day and hurt him even worse. We were both expelled again and my brother didn’t go to my new school because they didn’t send us back to school till the next year and he had started middle school while I started third grade. Without my brother there because I’m the youngest of five kids I was at another new school this time all alone. I again began to get bullied and this lead to me being very insecure which I still am very insecure. I never heard from jess again after going to my third school. Although some kids found out and they called me dirty and made fun of me for it happening and said I deserved it because I didn’t say anything which I didn’t know how to explain that I was just scared to say anything because I was cared of jess. So this lead up to my start of depression and anxiety from insecurity. So yeah that’s that story….